Postcard from the Spamosphere

I get tons of spam every day, from free money notifications (National Lottery: Congratulation!!!!!!!!!!!) to offers for low-cost mortgages ("We tried contacting you awhile ago about your low interest morta(ge rate."). Note to spammers: I have a policy that I will not buy anything from you that you can't spell, so I don't need any "st0-ck quotes" or "C_I_A_L_I_S". (Actually, I don't respond to unsolicited email at all, and if we all did that there would be no spam. Together we can make a difference.)

Occasionally, though, a spam message catches my eye because it is so over the top or bizarre that it stands out from the crowd of broken English and ridiculous promises. Not so much that I buy the product, but just enough to get a good laugh. Like this one, for instance:


Subject: Thicker hair within 30 seconds.....complimentary sample
Hmm, 30 seconds. This is faster than the average claim.

Are you suffering form thinning or balding hair? If, yes, then Toppik is right for you.
Toppik is wrong for me.

-Toppik is the world?s #1 solution for insufficient scalp coverage for both MEN and WOMEN
#1? In the whole wide world? This I doubt.

-One application will thicken your locks immediately
Ah ha! It's a giant bottle of mascara!

-There are no medical procedures or medications required for results.
I've gotta admit, this is a plus.

-Take ten years off of your appearance by using Toppik
"Who is that attractive 29-year-old person with the long, thick, luscious eyelashes on his head? I sure hope he's single!"

-Toppik is doctor recommended
...by the same medical professionals who prescribe truckloads of C_I_A_L_I_S daily

-Toppik has over one million satisfied customers
* fine print: "satisfied customers" may mean "recipients of this spam who have not actually launched a Denial of Service attack on our servers"


Thanks, spammers. I know you'll keep the good times rolling.


filed: humor