This is one in a series of columns I wrote for a local newsletter in the past few years. The column was called The Brink of Normal and it was practically an underground phenomenon that left a gaping void in the hearts of legions of fans at the end of its run. Or so I tell myself.
Every year as the retailers of America kick off the Christmas Buying Season I am caught off guard. I look around at the telltale signs—the unmistakable weather, the shopping frenzy, the expectant children’s faces—and I wonder aloud, “Is it August already?”
While I notice the buildup, I traditionally wait until later in the season to do my actual shopping. Usually much later. In fact, I am here to tell you that many merchants who claim to be “Always Open” will unceremoniously kick you out at midnight on Christmas morning, whether you are done with your shopping or not.
With these things in mind I have decided to bring you some helpful hints I have gleaned from my own quarter-century of holiday experience and a generous helping of the wisdom of others.
I know some of you craft-oriented people out there are still holding on to your dreams from last year about how you will hand-craft personalized knick-knacks of oak and ribbons for everyone on your Christmas card list, to be sent with a thoughtful letter conveying the activities of the family and the spirit of the season. Here’s the deal: if that was going to happen it should have been done back in the late summer when they first started selling Christmas decorations. The time has come to save your sanity, and the way to do that is not by affixing little felt baby Jesus cutouts to little felt manger cutouts until 3am every day for a week.
One important yuletide principle is that you should never give gifts in anger. Family lore has it that one year my grandmother gave Lincoln Logs to her sister’s kids because she was upset with their mother. I guess if you step barefoot on one in the middle of the night you might get the message, but the whole thing just doesn’t seem that malicious. I think it is because in a world where you can buy eighty-decibel bike sirens, plastic pellet guns and the Bucket’O’Slime, a few hundred Lincoln Logs in the dark would be a sweet relief.
As you go about buying gifts in love, keep in mind that an important part of the holiday experience is eating like a little piggy. I recommend that a large quantity of holiday goodies be on hand in case at any time a family member experiences a lessening of that overly stuffed feeling that the songs refer to as “good cheer”. On the other hand, I have now reached that point in life where my metabolism has slowed down past my appetite and I find that my body can store good cheer so that it lasts all year. So, while holiday snacks from cheese to chocolate may taste great, I must soberly change my recommendation to celery.
Now for some shopping tips for the new slimmer, trimmer, celery-powered you: It’s December; if you haven’t finished your shopping you should have. If you are nodding in agreement because you have already finished your shopping I don’t even want to hear about it. As for everybody else the best thing is to pace yourself, get lots of fluids and just shop till you drop.
For those of you who have not kept up with the spectacular advances of the toy industry, here is a rundown: Everything takes batteries. Of course the remote-controlled cars and trucks will probably drain their own weight in batteries on Christmas Day. Then there are the battery powered dolls and animals—without batteries they don’t talk, giggle, cry, squirm, spit up, roll over, fetch, jump, sing or order pizza. They just kind of sit there until you pick them up, which is obviously a completely ridiculous situation. To calculate how many batteries to buy, simply take the number of batteries you think you need and square it, lest you be confronted by a mob of children whose toys won’t play with them.
But of course shopping and eating and gifts are not really the point of Christmas. As our family has grown up I have come to appreciate the joy of giving to the ones I love. Even with all of the emphasis on receiving gifts, and as hard as it would have been to believe as a child, there really is more joy on the other side of the exchange.
The gifts should be a reminder of what we celebrate at Christmas, the greatest gift of all time—Jesus, as he came to earth so that we might have life more abundantly. So take a break this year during all of the hustle and bustle and busyness of the season, and consider what we commemorate—the coming of the Prince of Peace.
Merry Christmas.
filed: humor; column
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