My Friend, the World's Largest Sock Monkey

I like monkeys. This is a very large monkey, but he's not real, but that's OK. Plus he has his own MySpace account, which I think means that he is so smart and relationship-oriented that he doesn't bite or throw poo. These are the main reasons I'm not allowed to have a real monkey, so hopefully I'm getting him for Christmas.


The Incredible Mr. Buttons


filed: etcetera

Happy Holidays from the House of the Future

You haven't seen a house party until you see this one get down. I got an email claiming that this is in my hometown, but I haven't seen it. Apparently this house transmits a low-powered FM radio signal that you can receive on your car radio, and the lights/decorations dance/shimmer/move in time to the music. The song is Wizards in Winter by The Trans-Siberian Orchestra (who are neither from Siberia nor an orchestra--they're actually more like Mannheim Steamroller, but with more electric guitars).

So, to recap, we have a three-minute video of a decorated house set to weird holiday rock music. And yet it is strangely captivating.

note: this video is best at no greater than double size--set the zoom with the drop-down button on the bottom right.


Google Video: The Wizards of Winter


filed: etcetera

Embryo Survives Skydiving Accident

OK, the embryo was inside it's 21-year-old mother, who was diving solo for the first time. Sounds like mom did a good job of dealing with her chute not opening. The moral of this story is: always listen to those stupid safety rules.

Wired Furthermore: Born to be Wild


Update: FoxNews Video and Interview with the Skydiver
(scroll down to mid-page for the story and link)


filed: etcetera

Bono and World Government

I made an offhand (and offline) comment recently linking U2's lead singer Bono with proponents of a worldwide government. I haven't studied this too much or chatted with Bono about it, but actually just made an inference from some perusal over at Wikipedia. So here it is:

The Wikipedia article on Federal World Government notes that "the Universal Declaration of Human Rights is often referenced as the best expression of the most fundamental values motivating FWG supporters." The Wikipedia entry about Universal Declaration of Human Rights notes that "U2 projected the UDHR onto an enormous screen after performing their song 'Running to Stand Still' during their Vertigo 2005 world tour concerts. Their presentation also included individuals from around the world speaking selected articles of the UDHR."

So all that to say that I don't know Bono's take on the pros and cons of worldwide government, and his interest in the UDHR could be completely different from that of supporters of a Federal World Government, but I would tend to doubt it.

Sadly, I'm pretty sure that Bono won't be able to bring peace to this rock, as much as I'm sure he'd like to do so. And he can't walk on water, either.


filed: world.politics

The caricature of Bono walking on water is from this blog.

Original Column: 'Tis the Season

This is one in a series of columns I wrote for a local newsletter in the past few years. The column was called The Brink of Normal and it was practically an underground phenomenon that left a gaping void in the hearts of legions of fans at the end of its run. Or so I tell myself.


Every year as the retailers of America kick off the Christmas Buying Season I am caught off guard. I look around at the telltale signs—the unmistakable weather, the shopping frenzy, the expectant children’s faces—and I wonder aloud, “Is it August already?”

While I notice the buildup, I traditionally wait until later in the season to do my actual shopping. Usually much later. In fact, I am here to tell you that many merchants who claim to be “Always Open” will unceremoniously kick you out at midnight on Christmas morning, whether you are done with your shopping or not.

With these things in mind I have decided to bring you some helpful hints I have gleaned from my own quarter-century of holiday experience and a generous helping of the wisdom of others.

I know some of you craft-oriented people out there are still holding on to your dreams from last year about how you will hand-craft personalized knick-knacks of oak and ribbons for everyone on your Christmas card list, to be sent with a thoughtful letter conveying the activities of the family and the spirit of the season. Here’s the deal: if that was going to happen it should have been done back in the late summer when they first started selling Christmas decorations. The time has come to save your sanity, and the way to do that is not by affixing little felt baby Jesus cutouts to little felt manger cutouts until 3am every day for a week.

One important yuletide principle is that you should never give gifts in anger. Family lore has it that one year my grandmother gave Lincoln Logs to her sister’s kids because she was upset with their mother. I guess if you step barefoot on one in the middle of the night you might get the message, but the whole thing just doesn’t seem that malicious. I think it is because in a world where you can buy eighty-decibel bike sirens, plastic pellet guns and the Bucket’O’Slime, a few hundred Lincoln Logs in the dark would be a sweet relief.

As you go about buying gifts in love, keep in mind that an important part of the holiday experience is eating like a little piggy. I recommend that a large quantity of holiday goodies be on hand in case at any time a family member experiences a lessening of that overly stuffed feeling that the songs refer to as “good cheer”. On the other hand, I have now reached that point in life where my metabolism has slowed down past my appetite and I find that my body can store good cheer so that it lasts all year. So, while holiday snacks from cheese to chocolate may taste great, I must soberly change my recommendation to celery.

Now for some shopping tips for the new slimmer, trimmer, celery-powered you: It’s December; if you haven’t finished your shopping you should have. If you are nodding in agreement because you have already finished your shopping I don’t even want to hear about it. As for everybody else the best thing is to pace yourself, get lots of fluids and just shop till you drop.

For those of you who have not kept up with the spectacular advances of the toy industry, here is a rundown: Everything takes batteries. Of course the remote-controlled cars and trucks will probably drain their own weight in batteries on Christmas Day. Then there are the battery powered dolls and animals—without batteries they don’t talk, giggle, cry, squirm, spit up, roll over, fetch, jump, sing or order pizza. They just kind of sit there until you pick them up, which is obviously a completely ridiculous situation. To calculate how many batteries to buy, simply take the number of batteries you think you need and square it, lest you be confronted by a mob of children whose toys won’t play with them.

But of course shopping and eating and gifts are not really the point of Christmas. As our family has grown up I have come to appreciate the joy of giving to the ones I love. Even with all of the emphasis on receiving gifts, and as hard as it would have been to believe as a child, there really is more joy on the other side of the exchange.

The gifts should be a reminder of what we celebrate at Christmas, the greatest gift of all time—Jesus, as he came to earth so that we might have life more abundantly. So take a break this year during all of the hustle and bustle and busyness of the season, and consider what we commemorate—the coming of the Prince of Peace.


Merry Christmas.


filed: humor; column

Geologists Find the Cause of "The Great Dying"

The article below describes a time in ancient history (252 million years ago) when"life on the earth nearly ceased to exist--as much as 90 percent of marine life and 70 percent of terrestrial life died out." Sedimentary rocks from Italy (which were once on the bottom of a shallow sea), seem to indicate "that a great flood of ... terrestrial organic matter reached the sea and essentially swamped it, suffocating marine life."

The researchers believe that this, apparently the "earth's greatest mass extinction", was caused by ... a million-year-long intermittent Siberian volcano eruption. It seems the volcano, with its acid rain and pollutants and stuff, killed all the plants which were then washed into the sea. Humans and soil erosion are killing the planet again, by the way, so that may be "what is in store for us in the years ahead."

Seems to me that a worldwide flood would be a pretty good explanation for this Great Dying...


ScientificAmerican.com: Geologists Link the "Great Dying" to Volcanism


filed: science

The Bliss of Ignorance

Someone once said that the most important knowledge is knowledge of our own ignorance. Our schools are depriving millions of students of that kind of knowledge by promoting "self-esteem" and encouraging them to have opinions on things of which they are grossly ignorant, if not misinformed.

Thomas Sowell

I think that this quote encapsulates my discomfort with efforts like Rock the Vote. Voting is great, but I think it is important for voters to have a clue, and I fear that a voting bloc which rises as one on command from MTV may not represent a well-informed voice on the important issues of our day.


filed: us.politics; social.commentary; random.quotes

Original Column: How to Be Funny

This is one in a series of columns I wrote for a local newsletter in the past few years. The column was called The Brink of Normal and was full of humor and truly fun for all ages--and now it's back in convenient blog form!

As I searched desperately for a topic for my second column in this space, I thought about my rapid ascent to the heights of comedic expression. I suddenly realized that as a Humor Columnist I am now in a prime position to give hope and inspiration to the many young comedians out there. I’m all about public service, so this was an opportunity I couldn’t pass up.

You might think that those closest to you will appreciate your jokes. In fact I have found the opposite to be true. Often after a stunningly funny comment, my father will say, “Don’t give up your day job”—while obviously stifling his mirth. Sometimes I will reduce most of a group to tears of laughter and one of my siblings will shout, “Don’t laugh—it only encourages him!” My theory here is that a person can’t take too much of a good thing. If you are too funny too often for too long, people just get desensitized to it.

Now if you are just getting started being funny, you may be asking, “I’m just getting started. How can I be funny?” Well, I’m glad you asked.

Jokes

One popular way to make people laugh is to tell jokes. There are many jokes, so I won’t try to cover them all here, but good jokes have two things in common: cleverness and surprise. Let me demonstrate with an actual joke:

Q: What did the mommy bullet say to the daddy bullet?
A: “We’re having a BB!”

The cleverness is the BB/baby pun, and the surprise is the ending that most people don’t expect. Both are vital for the comedy of the joke. (Please note that plausibility is not a necessary element of good jokes like this one.) Here is the joke without the surprise:

Q: What did little BB’s mommy, Mrs. Bullet, say to her daddy, Mr. Bullet?
A: “We’re having a BB!”

The joke is still clever, but there is no punch to the punch line. It bores us. The same effect can be achieved by asking your audience, “Have you heard the one about the little BB?” before you tell the joke.

Now, here is the joke with the cleverness removed:

Q: What did the mommy bullet say to the daddy bullet?
A: “We’re having a giraffe!”

This is not funny. The end is surprising, but the joke is not clever. It frustrates the listener. You will hear questions such as “What does the giraffe have to do with anything?” Believe me, it has to make sense.

Puns

If telling jokes isn’t your bag, perhaps you should try puns. Puns are a personal favorite of mine, but they elicit more groans than any other form of comedy you can use. In fact, that’s the best result you can ask from puns. If you don’t believe me, just pop a simple pun into a conversation, like “That soccer player really gets a kick out of his sport” and then just watch what happens. Often nothing will happen. At this point you can simply repeat yourself until someone realizes that you have made a joke. When they roll their eyes or groan or throw something at you, they’ve gotten it.

After you master the pun, try making several in a row related the same subject. For instance, you could follow up the soccer pun with “I wonder if his parents toed him to play”, “They probably had to put their foot down”, and “He’s probably still waiting for the other shoe to drop.” Again, some people find this less funny than others, so be ready to hoof it.

Physical Comedy

Often seen as less intelligent than other forms of funniness, physical comedy has been employed by everyone from the Three Stooges to America’s Funniest Videos. However hilarious it may be on TV, it is often less so if you personally fall out of a boat or have someone whack your nose with a serving tray. In the same way, practical jokes (the home version of physical comedy) are usually funnier for the joker than the victim, and if you accidentally get your parents they can find ways of spreading the pain, if you know what I mean. I speak as someone who has soaked my mother with water and coated my father with baby powder. I guess I forgot to mention that when noting that my family doesn’t think I’m funny.

With these tools in your bag you know enough to be dangerous. In fact, as I write this I realize that having an aspiring humorist in the house could be as maddening as living with someone teaching themselves the violin. And I didn’t even talk about the more advanced comedy techniques such as Running A Joke Into The Ground.

I’m sorry to the families of the amateur comedians I’ve encouraged. I didn’t mean to create a monster. But just think; after only a few years they may actually have their own column, and then it will all be worth it.

Right, Mom?

filed: humor; column

The Fork System

Have you ever planned to go out for lunch to a place you've never been, only to wish that you knew what kind of a place it is? Maybe a friend told you it was "kind-of fast food" or "a little bit nice," but what does that mean? Just as measurements were invented when somebody realized that "itsy-bitsy" and "great big" weren't going to cut it, the world needs an objective rating system for eating establishments. And so, World, I give you The Fork System.

The theory here is that you can tell what kind of restaurant you're dealing with from their eating utensils. The Fork System does not attempt to rate restaurants, but rather to categorize them. While you may have a good experience at a nice, clean fast food place or a bad time at a dumpy, badly run one, they are both fast food eateries and will both have the same Fork designation.

Here is the system, with categories ordered by price from lowest to highest:


No Fork/Plastic Fork: The cheapest form of restaurant, Fast Food. If you don't need a fork, you don't get one; if your order requires one it is plastic and sometimes packaged in a plastic baggie with a knife, paper napkin and paper salt/pepper packets. Variation: The Spork, the plastic offspring of a spoon and fork, is probably my favorite utensil. If you get a spork, you're at a fast-food place.

Wrapped Fork: A step up in from No Fork, this is the Casual Dining category. Here you get a fork made of real metal, along with a spoon and a knife, wrapped tightly in a napkin. At this level the Waiter makes his first appearance. This is a fairly wide-ranging category, with prices from just above No Fork prices and all the way up into Single Fork levels. To further differentiate inside the Wrapped Fork category, take a look at the napkin that wraps your fork. A cheap paper napkin is low-end, heavy paper is nicer, and cloth napkins may tell you that your Wrapped Fork restaurant wants to be a Single Fork restaurant.

Single Fork: This takes us into the Fine Dining category. The fork is unwrapped, to the left of the plate, and the knife and spoon are on the right. The napkin is cloth and may be folded into some sort of origami. The food is no longer cooked by cooks, but is instead prepared by chefs. The prices are higher but are still on the menu. Gentlemen, this is generally the lowest level acceptable for marriage proposals, Valentine's Day dinners, and anniversaries--and call ahead, because you definitely can't just walk in and be seated on February 14th.

Multi-Fork: Like Single Fork, but more--definitely Fine Dining. At this level the more utensils you see, the fancier the restaurant. Salad Forks, dessert forks, several glasses. Maitre d's, tuxedos, studied unobtrusiveness by wait staff--the sky is the limit here. If you can't find a price by your entree you can't afford it.


So there you have it. I hope you're asking yourself "How can one guy come up with a system so brilliant, so revolutionary, so useful?" However, you are more likely asking yourself "Why would somebody spend their time making this stuff up?" All I can say is that the whole fork thing was a random thought, and I had to flesh it out and write it up to get it out of my system. This is why I have a blog.

And there's more where that came from.


filed: etcetera

This Just In: Old Food is Great

If you throw out perfectly good food just because it has passed it's expiration date or been left out overnight or sat in a Mormon's basement for thirty years, you must read this article.


Wired News: Oatmeal From '70s Still Tastes OK


filed: etcetera

Random Thoughts and Manufactured Music

You know how sometimes seemingly random thoughts just pop into your head? Usually these thoughts aren't all that helpful, like when I find myself singing twenty-year-old commercial jingles for no apparent reason. Occasionally I will come up with something more interesting, though. For instance, here's a very strange line of thought that has occurred to me:

A bat "sees" by emitting a noise and then listening for it to bounce back, and surely too much surrounding noise would hinder that capability. What if our own vision worked similarly? What if, instead of passively perceiving ambient light, our eyes could only process light they generated--like a flashlight in the dark except that we could each only use our own light, and others' light interfered with our own? What would be the effect on human social interaction? Maybe it would be rude to look steadily at anything in public since nobody else could see it while you look at it. What would rock concerts or church services look like since nobody could see if everybody was looking at the same people? It would probably put a premium on one-to-one and aural interaction.

Wow. I hadn't really tried to put that into words before. Like I said, very strange.

Anyway, I recently had a bunch of old Backstreet Boys songs stuck in my head. I find the best thing to do when this happens is to listen to the songs again. Now I have never actively listened to the Backstreet Boys (but I heard plenty of their work back in the day when they were everywhere), so I don't have the albums, but thanks to the magic of Rhapsody I listened to some of their hits. Here are some of my thoughts from that experience:

First of all, this is not good music. On this point I must agree with Ben, who is a music snob and was nearby during my Backstreet marathon. In fact, as he noted, 99 percent of my enjoyment of the whole experience was watching his reactions to it--anger, revulsion, snide commentary, depression, begging for mercy...

Some of it actually doesn't sound too dated--in fact, some of it sounds like Britney Spears. In fact, I think if you dropped Spears voice into "Larger than Life" you could almost pass it off as her latest. This brings me to a point about "manufactured" music-- most of the lyrics aren't written by the idols themselves, but by middle-aged English majors on caffeine and a deadline. Either that, or by a computer program (Love + heart + baby + forever = POP HIT) or by 10,000 monkeys with typewriters (this is Ben's theory). I think the music is handled by all of the same computer jockeys, which would explain why the Backstreet Boys from the nineties sounds similar to Britney Spears of today, or why all of Spears' hits sound the same.

Finally, Josie and the Pussycats has some very funny things to say about manufactured music. It features a boy band called Du Jour which is funny because du jour means "of the day". They're the boy band of the day! Get it? (Warning: It's rated PG for "sensuality and language", kids, so be advised.)


filed: etcetera; entertainment

Trash Talk and Dominoes

"It's funny to hear an 80-year-old man talk smack."

Friend of The Brink Ben S.

Ben was a passerby the other day in a small town at a particularly zesty game of dominoes. I'm not exactly sure what kind of put-downs you use to get in the other guy's head in that game, but whatever they are they must seem strange coming from somebody's Grandpa.


filed: random.quotes

The Gatorade Dunk

Have you ever wondered who started the rather strange custom of throwing a bucket of Gatorade on the coach of a winning team? Seems that it was back in 1985 in the NFL, when New York Giants defensive lineman Jim Burt decided to exact revenge on coach Bill Parcells, who had been "motivating" him all week about his matchup with Redskins offensive lineman Jeff Bostic. At the end of the Giants' 17-3 win, Burt took his life in his hands and dumped the rest of the sideline cooler of Gatorade on his notoriously, uh, hard-nosed coach. But Parcells apparently accepted it good-naturedly, and the team kept it up as another superstitious tradition. TV viewers loved it, as the cameras focused on the sideline near the end of wins to catch the big moment.

And of course the Gatorade people couldn't have been any happier.


ESPN.com: How the Dunk was Born


filed: sports

Gentlemen, Start Your Pregnancies?

A Canadian woman has given birth to a 4 pound, 13 ounce baby at about 8 months. This, in itself, is not unusual. The surprising part is this: the baby gestated outside of the mothers' womb, growing instead in her abdominal cavity with the head against her liver.

Doctors say that there is a theoretical possibility that anyone, even a man, could carry a child. But before signing up to be the first human male to bear a child, take note that there are some complications. The baby was born with dislocated hips and club feet, and the new mom says that "“it felt like razors cutting me up from inside every time she moved."” That's in addition to the usual stuff--weight gain, morning sickness, strange food cravings...

But hey, seahorses can do it.


GlobeandMail.com: Miracle baby gives men pregnant pause


filed: health

Germany: Too Much Welfare?

It's interesting to look at the issues in Germany's upcoming election. Incumbent Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder is in grave danger of being ousted in spite of his popular anti-US views, largely because of large and growing economic problems.

It seems that Germany's generous social welfare programs are being burdened by an aging poplulation and high unemployment and have become unaffordable, dragging the country ever further into debt. Also, German industry has sky-high labor costs because of laws ensuring high salaries to workers and because of powerful labor unions. Autoworkers, for instance, make $41.37 per hour. Employers are downsizing and moving jobs to other countries, causing further unemployment problems.

Challenger Angela Merkel describes the problem this way: “What do I do in an economy where 1,000 skilled jobs disappear every day and where, at the same time, my entire social security system, pension, unemployment and health insurance are financed by this shrinking pool of full-time jobs?” So in the perverse irony of big government, all of the social programs and mandated employer benefits designed to take care of workers are strangling the economy and erasing their jobs, and the only solution--lowering those benefits--will harm the workers in their time of need.

Americans beware: This is how a welfare state bottoms out, and it isn't pretty.


FoxNews.com: German Election May Revive U.S. Relations


filed: politics.world

Control Outside the Box

Nintendo is giving a sneak peak at the controller that will ship with the new Revolution game system next year. It looks and feels a lot like a TV remote, which may come as a relief to those daunted by the multi-button, multi-joystick remotes on current systems--it seems that Nintendo is reaching out to those outside the traditional hardcore gaming demographic. But industrial-strength gamers can easily add a secondary pod with all the buttons and joysticks they need, in a configuration called the "nunchuck controller". Plus, the controller is motion sensitive, making possible games where you use the controller as a gun or a fishing rod and the action translates to the screen.

Nintendo seems to be leading the way in the gaming space with some prooty cool human interface products--their handheld gaming system Nintendo DS has two screens and a stylus, also not standard fare in the video gaming world. I guess we'll have to wait and see if they can get people to buy all of their creative ideas, but they look good to me. As someone who can't hit the broad side of a tank using an analog joystick I'd love to try that nunchuck setup. And release my inner ninja.


Wired News: Hands On With the Revolution


filed: technology

Hurricane Devastation

I'm sorting through feelings today about the hurricane aftermath. I can't begin to comprehend the pain and suffering, the human toll being experienced not too far away from me. I feel guilty because the only suffering it has caused me is high gas prices. I am proud that Texas is able to help out, both officially and privately. And I feel like an idiot for talking about my own feelings as if they are at all relevant to the situation or worthy of notice in such a time.

I am disgusted by the political posturing that is going on while the bodies of dead Americans still float face-down through our own streets. There are political points to be made, but let's save the hyperbole until after we save the dying, shall we?

I am also trying to come to grips with what kind of people would shoot at rescue workers. I might expect this from some insane warlord trying to oppress his people, but here..? It seems that there are desperate people "taking pot shots at police and at helicopters, telling them, 'You better come get my family.'" Also shooting at authorities is apparently the same criminal element that the police in New Orleans fight every day. I heard a Louisiana resident on a call-in show today characterize the flood-ravaged 9th Ward as a dangerous neighborhood. This first-person blog entry describes the 9th Ward as "desperately poor", the "New Orleans no one wants to see", with burned out cars, wooden shacks and liquor stores scattered about. It stands to reason that this area is no less dangerous after the breakdown of law and order, and with everyone there experiencing the same desperation that all of the survivors must be feeling. Also, with looting and rape and other illegal activities there would surely be violence as well. Still, why would you shoot at rescue workers?

This CNN story/blog has lots of first-person accounts of various situations in Louisiana and Mississippi. The New Orleans Times-Picayune weblog (featuring tons of local content and commentary on the situation) mentions that many homeless are "drunk on looted liquor in a city without drinking water". Seems hard to blame them too much, I guess. It also notes that the situation today seemed to improve markedly.

If you have resources to give, think about the Red Cross and the Salvation Army.

My thoughts and prayers go out to all those affected. May God be with you.


filed: current.events

Superpower? China Makes Its Play

Have you been wondering what country will challenge the globe's current one-superpower structure? Meet China.

A superpower must have enough economic and military clout to get other countries to align with them. While China's economy is relatively small per-capita compared with western nations, it is growing, and they seem to be doing a better job than the old Soviet Union of mixing socialism (which is an economic wet blanket, to say the least) with capitalism. While both China and the former USSR are/were socialist states, they had very different economic structures starting in the late 1970s. The Soviet Union was very similar to North Korea in that a tremendous percentage of their resources went into the military while their economy at home was always teetering on the edge of disaster. Their manufacturing was shoddy, even for their military equipment, and their collective farms were terrible. (They were really good at espionage, however, and extremely successful in stealing information from the West.) China, on the other hand, shouldn't suffer from manufacturing problems, as that is an area of expertise for them. This excerpt from the CIA World Factbook entry for China paints a picture of their economic progress:

In late 1978 the Chinese leadership began moving the economy from a sluggish, inefficient, Soviet-style centrally planned economy to a more market-oriented system. Whereas the system operates within a political framework of strict Communist control, the economic influence of non-state organizations and individual citizens has been steadily increasing. The authorities switched to a system of household and village responsibility in agriculture in place of the old collectivization, increased the authority of local officials and plant managers in industry, permitted a wide variety of small-scale enterprises in services and light manufacturing, and opened the economy to increased foreign trade and investment. The result has been a quadrupling of GDP since 1978.

As they grow economically they are plowing resources into their military as well. China's military has historically been long on manpower but short on technology--in WW2 the much smaller Japan had their way with China. But obviously they are trying to change all of that now.

As a growing power both economically and militarily, China is embarking on the next step toward superpower status. It appears that they are trying to cultivate satellite states among the bad actors and despotic regimes of (resource-rich) Africa.


FoxNews: China, Africa Dictator Links Ring Alarms


If they get their gear together, with a population of 1.3 billion (US: 0.3 billion), they might make quite a powerful superpower.


filed: politics.world

Original Column: The Emperor Has No Clothes

Note: It has come to my attention that some of the content of this blog may seem a little dry to certain groups of people, nay, to entire swaths of the population. To you I say this: You will continue to get what you pay for. However, I do have some stuff that's a little more fun, and I'd like to mix it in here and there.

This is one in a series of columns I wrote for a local newsletter in the past couple of years. The column was called The Brink of Normal, and was full of humor and truly fun for all ages. I have wanted to start republishing the columns here, and this seems a perfect time to start. This one's for you, America. And really for the whole english-speaking world.

The Emperor Has No Clothes!

Yes, I said it, and I’m not sorry. This has gone on long enough, and somebody had to get the truth out there. That’s how it always is. It always falls to those of us on the edges, at The Brink of Normal, to do the dirty work and be the first to say what you and everyone else is thinking.

Now the reason you don’t think I know what you were thinking is because somehow I started this column at the end and you have no idea what I’m talking about. You’re challenging me to tell you what you were thinking. Gotcha.

OK, here’s what we were all thinking: There is a no real difference between things that are stupid and things that are cool.

Most of you out there are probably freaked out that I read your mind. For those of you who may not have actually been thinking this exact thought, let me explain.

Here is a little boy in his front yard after a rain. He is inquisitive, he is young, he is eating snails. Is this cool? “No!”, we all shout! “This is disgusting! Someone stop the little boy and teach him not to eat snails!"

Meanwhile at a downtown restaurant whose name has more vowels than consonants a man is looking at a menu written completely in French. He summons the waiter, pronouncing his name easily, and expertly orders escargot for himself and the lady. She is impressed with his sophistication.

What is wrong with this picture? They are eating snails! The boy in his yard and the man at the restaurant are engaged in the same activity, and while one is taken to the doctor as a precaution the other enjoys his meal in high style. How can this be?

The answer lies deep in the human psyche. With our built-in desire for acceptance we try to choose a herd and follow wherever they may go. If someone is able to convince a leader that something is cool, the entire group will likely follow right along without a peep lest they be found unworthy of membership. This has been going on since long before the emperor was scammed by the people with the invisible clothes, and there is always a need for people like little children and yours truly to tell the herd what is what.

Now that I have exposed escargot for what it really is, I’d like to move on to that bastion of unthinking herd behavior we call fashion. From your local department store to designer runways in Milan the entire industry is all about leading-but still being a part of-the herd.

The problem with fashion is that you can’t escape it because you have to wear clothes, and no matter what you wear it makes a statement about who you are. That’s not a big problem if you like to make a statement, but I’m pretty much past that now and I just wear clothes because it separates me from the animals. My clothes are beginning to tell everyone that I haven’t cared about fashion since sometime in the last millennium.

Are you beginning to see what a racket we’re dealing with here? If I don’t pony up and buy whatever the fashion herd has anointed as cool, I am perceived as a cave-dweller or fuddy-duddy by everyone I meet. Fortunately for me my wife makes me stay reasonably fashionable, but what about all those people who don’t have someone to keep them in line? It’s an outrage.

For the people at the top of the fashion food chain things aren’t exactly hunky-dory either. How many actresses have attended a glitzy awards show wearing a $100,000 gown by a big name designer that appears to have been crafted from facial tissue and fishing tackle? Everybody stands around and says how the dress flatters her and the designer is a visionary, but in the back of their minds they’re wondering if that’s actually Kleenex and fishhooks.

And what about art? Perhaps you’ve seen one of those exhibits that appears to be a canvas salvaged from a paint factory explosion. The museum guide reverently explains that it was from a very bitter time in the artist’s life and that this work reflects a deep angst and anger unparalleled in any paintings of that period, which explains why it was appraised at 40 bazillion dollars. You suspect that it was created by a monkey on a motorcycle, but you say nothing.

So it seems that the only thing that separates the acceptable from the ridiculous is the majority’s belief that something is indeed acceptable. And this is why, when I see the latest crazy new thing, I again think to myself that the emperor does indeed have no clothes.

So now that you know the secret, you can change the world. The new world will be based on substance instead of style, reality instead of perception, steak instead of sizzle. I wish you luck in your quest.

If you need me I’ll be in the basement trying to make 40 bazillion bucks with my angst, anger and tempera paint.

filed: humor; column

It's a Bird! It's a Plane! It's a Bird-Plane?

Here's the question that's been nagging at us all: why has nobody since Wilbur and Orville looked at our feathered friends when they designed a plane? The Wright brothers, of course, daydreamed about flight while watching birds and managed to get into the air themselves using observations they made. But in the first 100 years of flight almost all heavier-than-air flying machines have been more or less rigid structures with fixed wings. With very powerful engines, planes travel much faster than birds, but have almost zero maneuverability comparatively.

While that has fit our needs for aircraft up until now, there seems to be a developing market for low-speed, highly-maneuverable small craft as mini-robotic drone planes. So it's back to the birds. While this little prototype hardly flaps it's wings (watch the video to see it slowly move its wings) it has obviously taken a cue from the avian world. And I think we can all agree that that's long overdue.


MSNBC.com: Futuristic Spy Plane Maneuvers Like a Bird


Bonus science news: I include this interesting tidbit mostly because the headline is so fun to say. Say it out loud for maximum effect. (Anemone must be pronounced correctly)

MSNBC.com Enemy Anemones wage all-out war


filed: science; technology